Transparent Vulnerability…Another “Comma Moment”

This feels like such a foreign place to me, friends. It’s been so long since I’ve posted here. The summer months, though full of exciting projects, left me no time to blog. Between being mom, nurse, and house flipper, my days were spent! If you follow me on other social media platforms, you got a taste of those projects and the everyday craziness. You also know life as I knew it recently changed and brought business to a screeching halt. For those of you who don’t follow me elsewhere, please allow me to fill you in.

Losing a child

Todd Allen Davis. My first born son. The very best part of me. My heart. The most compassionate, loving human being I’ve ever met. He touched hearts, opened minds and changed perceptions. You couldn’t help fall in love with his witty sense of humor and sarcastic mouth. So smart. So genuine. So kind. He was an artist, a talented musician and used his gifts to bless others. He was a giver at heart and would defend a complete stranger when injustice or hate was felt. His friends were his family and the love he held for family was deep and strong. He LIVED his 21 short years to the widest, leaving his beautiful energy to be shared forever. I could go on and on praising him. He’s so worthy of it. Love on one another. Speak kindly. We aren’t promised one more breath.

Todd Allen Davis

All words I shared with close family and friends in the days after Todd’s passing. Two months have come and gone now and the pain is still so sharp it takes my breath away. To say I miss him is an understatement. He is missing from me and every morning I face the reality that I’ll never see him again this side of heaven. The longing to have him within my reach is so intense. It’s selfish, because I know he is in a much better place, but it’s how I feel. My emotions are just as raw now as they were then. For some reason, this blog just hasn’t felt like the place to share them. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been a blogger who shares too much of my personal life. I strive to keep it real and emotions don’t scare me but extending trust with the most tender parts of my soul is not something I do with ease. Transparent vulnerability is a beautiful thing but not all people see it as such. For that reason, I’ve been very careful with whom I share.

Perhaps my absence has left me feeling a little disconnected as well. In all honesty, I’ve never been a hardcore blogger. I don’t schedule out a months worth of posts or uphold a strict posting regimen. I’ve just always shared the work that moved me, inspired me, or told a story I felt someone else should hear. I’ve not worked on one single thing since October 12th that has felt “blog worthy” though. I’ve hardly even checked in to my business FB page! I’ve worked, because the world keeps spinning and bills must be paid, but it’s just been work. My passion to create is still very much alive but my desire to turn brokenness into beauty has shifted.

The story my heart longs to share right now is not that of a 100 year old dresser brought back to life. It’s one of a life that once grew inside me and showered me with love for almost 22 years. I want the world to know his face, his words, his passions, his dreams. I’ve been doing that on some level thru my personal social media accounts and have found it has helped others just as much as it helped me. It dawned on me last night as I read a sweet message from someone who never met Todd, I’m wasting this larger platform I’ve so graciously been afforded. Thousands upon thousands show up here each month. People from my neighborhood and across the world, all seeking DIY goodness, no doubt, BUT…what if one set of eyes needs to read something else? Something much more meaningful than painted furniture tips. Maybe that one person needs to know that life and all the emotions that come with it, will sometimes spill over into everything you do; completely consuming your existence, changing your course, and they’ll realize, it’s OKAY!  That is where I am right now, friends. Wholly engrossed in another “comma moment”, but constantly reflecting, processing, learning, and growing! Growing in faith, growing in strength, and growing in purpose!

Grief, though it will touch every single person reading this at some point in life, is uncomfortable. I get it y’all and I’d never ask you stick around in discomfort. If you can push through the lump in your throat though and allow me to share, you will see this road holds more than just pain. It is riddled with intense joy, appreciation, and acceptance, too. Hell, sometimes all those things at the same time! I’m traversing each hill, valley, curve and detour in faith though! My eyes are fixed on the peace I know the journey will bring! I invite you to join me, to hold my hand as I walk the road no parent wants to walk alone. I welcome your support as I give purpose to Todd’s short, but meaningful and beautiful life! I’m breaking all my rules about sharing my personal life because my purpose is greater than my pain or comfort level. I now have a spirit to keep alive! It takes a village to raise ‘em and a village to keep their name alive beyond their appointed time here. Your presence and willingness to help me carry out Todd’s vision means the MOST to me. From the bottom of my broken heart, I thank you in advance.

I’m looking forward to finding that place of peace with you. Love you all, more than words. xo

 

 

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Comments

  1. Joanne Cembrook says:

    Angela, I had heard through the grapevine about a blogger who’s son had passed and didn’t realize it was you. Please accept my deepest sympathy. I know what you are going through, and I know how raw things are, and how your life will never be the same. I lost my only son at age 26 on 4/30/09. James was the light of my life, a father of toe and a husband. My creativity came to a screeching hault that day, and it took me two years to find it again. One of the things I find so difficult is finding moms to talk with about the feelings that come like sadness, intense sadness, anger, happiness, guilt, and wondering how to go on sometines. I just want you to know that if you EVER need someone to talk to please please please don’t hesitate to reach out. I am sure you have people to go to, but sometimes someone you don’t know is easier. I am having a difficult time right now. My daughter in law got remarried in July and it was confirmation to me that James would never be coming home. I knew it, but it was as if he died all over again. This Christmas also marks the first one without my mom, and a bee grandson from my daughter. I call this year “The Circle of Life” very fittingly. Anyway, my thoughts are with you, and please the offer is there. If you need to just talk about what a great kid he was, I’m here. Hugs, Joanne

    • Oh, Joanne. My heart is with you asoon I extend my deepest condolences for James. I’m surprised but glad to hear the news of Todds passing has traveled. I know you understand the desire to keep James near and moving in spirit so the fact that people are talking makes me happy. I understand the difficulty in talking about the roller-coaster of emotions we face, especially with mothers. I know because I have friends who had lost children. Before my loss though, I didn’t understand. I felt helpless in consoling them so to hear them express such raw feelings was hard. It’s why I now extend grace to those who have distanced themselves from me. I understand. I do hope to share the intentions behind our need to talk about our child. We aren’t looking for answers. We aren’t expecting words to heal us. Sometimes things just must come out! Everyone is different but for me, talking about Todd makes me smile! Just having positive people supporting and understanding goes a long way. Grief is lonely because it’s something we all experience individually but I do believe we can help one another heal just by being present. I’m here if you need an ear and appreciate your willingness to be there for me! I can only imagine how difficult the remarriage was for you. It’s so hard to see the world move on without your child. I feel it daily. Todd left me with precious gifts though. He was a musician and recorded several songs just before he passed. One of those, Roll On, has blessed me beyond belief! No doubt, it was written for this season in my life. He would want me to keep moving and as his lyrics say “I can see the morning, the sun is coming on, Roll On”.

      The sun is hard to see some days but I pray you always keep it in mind. One day at a time, Roll On. I’ll be right here to help in any way I can. Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing your pain with me. Sending you so much love! Angela

  2. You should share about your son and I read every word you wrote. My heart breaks for you. What a gift you were given by God. I don’t have any children myself, but have 2 nieces, who are like my own. I can’t imagine loosing either of them and can’t even imagine the grief for my sister and her husband. God Bless you and keep on sharing whether it’s DIY or personal. I love it either way❤️

  3. Jan Elizabeth says:

    Dear Angela,
    I was so moved to read this post. As a mother, I can’t imagine the extent and depth of wild, savage grief you must be experiencing. As a daughter who watched my mum go through the same thing, I feel it to my core. My brother also died when he was 21, two weeks before his 22nd birthday. He was also a musician, and a mathematician, and a beautiful soul. I was only nine when he died, but the impact of that is like a gong that was hit in my soul, and the reverberation still courses through me. It fades with time, and I can tune into it or tune out, but it never silences.
    Your son Todd looks and sounds like a lovely person. I’m glad he recorded the songs you now treasure. I have a son, he’s almost 31, and he is also a funny, caring, sarcastic musician. Because of my brother, many times I have had visions of losing him or one of my other children, and I know if that happened, the music he has recorded would both hurt and heal me.
    Thank you for your sharing. I feel touched and honoured to have “met” your son, and to been given the privilege of a window into your grieving process. I love what you said about his energy now being shared in the world. Something beautiful is bound to grow from that!
    xo Jan Elizabeth

    • I really cannot put into words how deeply I felt your words, Jan. What you felt as a sister is what my boys are feeling now. Comforting them while trying to maintain my own sanity is an everyday chore. May your heart be comforted today as mine has been by you sharing your story with me. I cannot wait to share more of Todd! I’m so thankful for you all allowing me to do just that! So much love being sent your way! ❤

  4. Donna Marchlewski says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your deep, deep loss. May the Peace of Christ be with You.

  5. I pray that loving arms surround you and the loving arms of God. Peace be with you!

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